As indicated in the article, the team based their findings by looking at how many positive and negative words over a period of one week in January. After which they compare their findings with their relationship status to eventually examine whether a person's Facebook relationship status affects how positive and negative they are. Below are two of their findings:
From the findings, people who are in a relationship seem less happy compared to married folks, but there is less variation in both positivity and negativity amongst married people. More importantly, the data seems to suggest that people who do not disclose their relationship status are about 50% more negative than everyone else; moreover, guys are more positive than girls when in a relationship or married, but they are more negative when married or engaged.
I find these data very intriguing as it seems to suggest that although the development of a relationship occurs in stages, what happens within each stage may vary according to gender. This seems to suggest that the notion “walking into the grave of marriage” proves to be truer for guys as compared to girls. This brings me to a possible hypothesis:
Due to cultural norm, man has the tendency to be the one in pursuit of a woman; therefore, they are more positive than woman at the coming together stage of relationship, since man finds it a challenge to pursue. However when the bonding stage occurs, man lose that sense of challenge and thus become more negative during marriage, especially if they realize that the bonding occurs too quickly, which may then results in the differentiating and eventual stagnation of relationship.
What is your opinion on this hypothesis? Do you think that men should shoulder the fault when a relationship dissolute or do you think Woman has a part to play in maintaining a positive relationship once two people are married? Or after watching the video below, you feel that it is better to be together?
"Better Together" for Match.com from FriendsWithYou on Vimeo.
Now, there might be some of you out there who feel that relationship in the form of friends will suffice, as friendship seems to be much simpler to engage in. While I do agree that friendship requires less commitment; however, it requires the same amount of effort if you will like to maintain a close relation with your friends. As such, the ability to maintain an effective interpersonal communication may become crucial in the maintenance process of friendship. If equity is not presence between a dyadic friendships, the imbalance of contribution by either of the party may then result in one under-benefiting while the other over-benefiting. In the long term, this may then result in the dissolution of friendship which can be painful to everyone. As such, I feel that it is of paramount importance that friends clear out time from their schedules to spend quality time with their friends.
What do you think are important in the maintenance of a friendship? Does spending time together necessarily mean that a strong friendship will be build? Share with me what you think that will constitute a healthy friendship.
Les Dangereux from RedForty on Vimeo.
Lastly, I will like to share with you a video on how bad interpersonal communication may result in unnecessary conflict. After watching the video, you might just want to let down your guards and allow that special someone to enter your world. There are still 358 days till the next valentine!
16 comments:
granted, guys do have a tendency to lose interest in a relationship after a while. And even though i do not want to generalise, guys are always looking to improve themselves, because of egos and social pressure. in this pursuit of greatness and competitiveness, they will always find the pastures on the other sides greener, for the simple fact that they havent been there AND because they will always find flaws with their current partners. In fact, i can safety say that it is human nature to concentrate more on our flaws then our strengths, in turn causing great distress to our mental emotions, thus resulting in actions such as looking for other partners whom they deem more desirable and appropriate.
Neither did you or alwin provide the woman's point of view, so i shall fill that in. Anyway, I doubt a woman will be happy when her man is unhappy in the marriage. Unless, she is totally oblivious or seriously sadistic and really enjoy torturing the guy. Thus, I seriously feel that the results on facebook won't totally reflect the mood of married guys vs married woman. Unless all of them has spouses that have a facebook account as well, which I highly doubt so.
Ok back to the main topic. Probably a woman does stay happier for a longer time in a marriage. Because I do know of some women who can overlook the flaws of their man and focus on their good points.
In addition, the fault should be shared when a relationship dissolves. This should be the case for any relationship.As the saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. So a married relationship should be maintained by both parties.
Lastly, of course time does not define how strong a friendship is. I have known my primary school friends for more then 10 years, but that do not automatically set them in the "best friend category". Some of them are just mere acquaintances. While some of them are good friends because they understand me more than the acquaintances. Therefore, understanding is a better definition for a strong friendship.
Be it a relationship or a friendship, the chemistry between the two parties are very important. "Chemistry" is such a vague term. I interpret it as a combination of many factors such as personal interests, personal goals, expectations of others, how we view ourselves, and personal characteristics. These factors are unique to each and every person, and very rarely does even one of these factors come close to being similar to another person's. It is the right mix between both party's chemistry which will determine the outcome of the relationship.
Think about it, many of us, at our age, probably would have hundreds of contacts on the contacts list of our mobile phone, or even on MSN, or email. But how many of these 100s do we consider ourselves to have an "above average"(meaning more than just acquaintances) relationship with? The handful which are left after elimination would inevitably be the ones which we have most chemistry with.
Regarding relationships, I feel the same concept applies. A girl will always have certain expectations of a guy, and vice versa. It is up to both parties to fulfill each other's expectations willingly.
Also, besides chemistry, shared experience is also another important factor in any friendship or relationship. These are common experiences which both parties could relate to, and draw strength from. I feel that this psychological factor will play a part as these memories will very likely stay with them for a long time.
Ok, I think I'm starting to ramble now so I'm just leave it here. :)
First of all, you would only spend time with a person you get along with and with whom you share common interests. I believe the best relationships start out as friendships, if you're not friends with your significant other, how can you maintain a relationship?
As Ben mentioned, you get to meet a lot of people in your lifetime, but how many of those people are those to whom you wish to speak to everyday? and with whom you have no secrets, no boundaries and no limitations...there will only be two or three people maximum who you can truly be yourself with, and those are friends for life. and as for spending time to develop a strong friendship, you wouldn't really spend time with people with whom you felt you had nothing to share with, would you now? although that does not necessarily mean you need to have things in common with each other, you just need to be on the same wavelength.
I feel that in any relationship, be it marriage or friendship, two way communication is one of the key things to maintain a healthy relationship. It shouldn't just be one person talking all the time, eveyone should have a chance to talk and communicate. And it is not the amount of time spent that matters, it is the quality of time.
I agree with the part that you mentioned that "If equity is not presence between a dyadic friendships, the imbalance of contribution by either of the party may then result in one under-benefiting while the other over-benefiting." It is important to not just be a taker, but a giver as well. There should be a healthy balance in order to maintain a healthy relationship!
is it really a fault when the relationship doesnt work out? or it just didnt turn out the way u expected it to, marriage. maybe it just went forward into another path u didnt know existed. something to think about huh. =)
i just feel that apart from it taking 2 hands to clap, with both having an effect on the outcome, it also boils down whether you feel the responsibility after marriage. marriage comes with a whole load of responsibilities,bill,etc. many marriages failed cos people fail to realise that its more than love, its a commitment, a commitment to last forever. its a heavy responsibility. =p
well, my thoughts of being together starts with being at peace with self. love thy self before loving others. no broken heart and soul can fully love another without hurting them.
with that, once in a relationship, to me, its about knowing what your partner wants/needs and if u're willing to go the extra mile for it. if u're not willing, then its a sign maybe you're better off as friends.
same goes for friendships. it has to be heartfelt and genuine, and people can feel it. many a times we stray from who we really are cos we feel that we should be this way or that way. And in the process, lose ourselves and the friendships. time spent isnt equivalent to how strong the friendship is, but it does play a part i guess.
i can have friends that i meet everyday but they dont know my darkest secrets, and those who are miles away, but i can share with them my problems. i rather keep those that knows me inside out and able to help me when i need them, then those that are always around but dont really bother when i have problems.
cheers tony.lol.
Yes, definitely, both parties have the responsibility to make a relationship work. Friendship or marriage, either ways... it is a bond being continually constructed through works spoken, promises kept and little acts of service to your loved one. Or it could gradually grind to a stop with changed perspectives or just simply.. loss of interest.
I also believe that if a relationship doesn't work out.. it might be for the best. Even though both parties are at fault.. the breakup might lead to a happier end.
Instead of staying in misery with someone you can't stand.. and through several goes at making it work.. but still fail, then isn't it better to let it go and move onto to something or someone which/who is better fitted for you?
And yes, it is better to be together. We all need that someone we can count on for anything. Any bad day, happy news, or just when you feel like rambling your guts out. You'd want to know that you have someone who'd patiently listen to you and be your source of support, loving you for who you are and not what you've done.
The same goes to friendships as well..
And spending time together definitely makes a friendship/relationship stronger. But that would have to depend on how that time is spent. With quality or just useless quantity and no significant bond established?
You'd seldom find me happier than when i receive an sms from a friend i haven't spoken to in a long while. The jolt of surprise, followed by the eager sense of anticipation as my phone slowly (its an old phone) brings up the few carefully selected acronymed words. Well, whatever the message contains, i'd always come away from the ensuing conversation with a sort of bubble in my chest. It is like taking a long, deep breath after a run - inspiring and invigorating. It is a happy feeling.
In my humblest opinion, while spending time with friends, especially close friends, is great, sometimes hearing from an old friend unexpectedly is just as rewarding. Great friendships aren't built on the number of hours spent together, but in those instances where you pass each other on the street; stop, wave and smile. You'd realise that you actually matter to someone else and you aren't alone in this world. (Sorry if i sound a little dramatic)
Back to the question - what helps to maintain friendships? I guess the most popular answers are common interests and time spent together. Its not that they aren't good answers, but i guess i wouldn't be helping much unless i added in a little something extra. Well, if any readers are familiar with the story of Robert Gadling and Morpheus from the Sandman Graphic novels, then you'd understand that the best friendships are built out of a genuine interest in another person's life. Where both parties can be candid with one another and share in each others experiences, or as deb puts it "someone we can count on for anything. Any bad day, happy news, or just when you feel like rambling your guts out".
As for whether maintaining a friendship needs an equal contribution by either party, i feel that reduces the friendship into some sort of equation. True friends don't keep score. So what if one person seems to be doing the talking all the time, making the arrangements, planning the meetings. As long as two or more people want to be involved, then it is a good friendship.
Just my two cents worth.
To maintain a friendship it's not about the time spent together each day but about the 'quality time' spent with each friend. Two friends can hardly see each other for months and when they meet, there seem to be endless things to talk about to each other. The willingness to share and listen to each others' lives even when both have been absent is important. Ultimately it's about including our friends in our lives to maintain that friendship.
We have to examine the very core aspects of relationships to find out why many don't work out eventually.
Firstly it all boils down to what is it that initiates the bond in the first place. Meaning when a guy finds interest in a lady or vice-versa, is it because of looks? Lust? Money? influenced by family/peers? the need for companionship? Or is the bond formed because you simply cannot cease to find more characteristics that you find interesting in the opposite half? you can talk non-stop all day, you seem to love the way he/she smile, even when he/she looks silly, you never once thought its out of place?
Obviously, many people will say,"c'mon, relationships have all the aspects mentioned above" And rightly so, but the key is which one is more predominant?
To quote just one of many examples, Often you see football stars living decadent lifestyle, meeting equally decadent females, yes, they all look good, they're sexy, they get hooked up by millionaire football stars, they lust over each other, get married, infidelity creeps in, they separate.
A story we see dominating tabloids and front page everywhere, Stars like John Terry, Tiger Woods,David Beckham they are all guilty of infidelity at one point in time. Hence, Lust could have been the foremost influence when they form a relationship with women.
LOVE, a word which we use so often, but have all neglected its meaning. And LOVE, in my opinion, is a bond formed when people never cease to find something new in the opposite half, love is patience, love is sticking through the tough times, love is that you can talk non-stop all day, you seem to love the way he/she smile, even when he/she looks silly, you never once thought its out of place. Then i urge each person in a relationship to ask yourself, are you really in LOVE?
We see an increasing number of fragile relationships in our society, such LOVE are perhaps those that are centered around Looks, Lust and even Money. Then that is not LOVE, that is, in my opinion, cheap companionship because LOVE is a priceless word and priceless bond.
So what is the Bond that you formed with an opposite gender based upon?
Friendships, exists in different levels, we all i'm sure, have many friends. But we only have 24hrs a day, minus the time we spend working, and fulfilling family commitments, what minimal time we have left will be, to catch up with friends. Friendships are obviously so much easier to manage than relationships because you do not see each other as much as you would see your husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend, hence the flaws they have are less glaring and whatever shortcomings friends reveal are more tolerable.
Having said that, no matter in a boy-girl relationship, marriage or friendship, they all require a certain amount of attention and patience only that the quality and quantity varies with each different type of relationship.
i think the trend found is pretty intriguing and indeed ur hypothesis seems to make sense. what exactly do u mean by the bonding occuring too quickly though? i believe that essentially, it definitely takes both the wife and the husband to make a happy marriage. but of course, every relationship is different and it would be over simplifying matters by saying that it takes an equal amount on both sides to make it work. cute video, it sells love well. i guess most people do want to have someone to share their life with, but who's to say that one can't find happiness being single.
personally, the amount of time spent with a friend (outside of work/school) is definitely proportional to the closeness of the friendship. by virtue of the fact that im spending time with that friend probably means that i made that conscious effort to spare the time and thus it means that we'll be catching up with whats been going on with each other, etc, and thats going to make the friendship grow. for me, spending time together doesnt have to mean having to meet up physically but even a quality chat online or over the phone counts. and by time, i mean quality time and not just 'time' cos u could be spending up to several hours a day with classmates/colleagues but if you're not actually being 'life friends' but just being 'friends of convenience' then all you've got is just a superficial friendship.
Wow, I'm definitely surprised by the statistics shown on the positivity and negativity of individuals based on their relationship status. It's interesting how the feelings of men and women interchange before and after marriage, and it's definitey true for most cases that I've seen in life. As what older women usually tell the younger, "Always marry a man who loves you more than you love him. Because after marriage, you will grow to love him more, while he will love you less. That way, your marriage can last." I'm not sure how true that statement is, but it's a common saying heard one too many times, and with this statistics, it does seem true in relationship. Overall, I do not think that the men should take the blame when a relationship does not work out. The responsiblity goes both ways, it takes two hands to clap, afterall.
I feel what's important in mainaining a friendship is quality time together, because I do think friendships are built on communication and sharing between one another. It doesn't matter how short the time is available to be with a friend, it's what communicated that makes two friends understand each other more.
Btw, sidetracking... nice video! I totally love the guy hero's way of leaving a letter. Quite a different pick-up line! Thanks for posting it!
In both a relationship and friendship, there are many factors that will contribute to the strong foundation. There are common interest, trust and chemistry. Though different relationship will require different factors in maintaining it.
Thus is the case where whether it should be the role of the men or the women to maintain the positive relationship, i feel that both should shoulder the part. As both had wanted to start something and it lies in their hands the responsibility to make it all work out positively.
In a friendship, i feel that time doesnt really matter. It is the bond between friends that bring us all together, be it the trust or the common interests that we may share. For example, i have a friend that i have known since preschool and our friendship is still as strong as ever, even though we are too busy with our own lives we still managed to keep in contact at times. Or another friend whom i known for only 3 years but we hit off right from the start. And though she is off to another country, distance doesnt even matter. So i say, time and distance wont even matter much if you really care for each other and have a pretty strong bond. :)
it is true that spending time together can help to make a strong friendship. However, there are other factors that can build a healthy friendship. For most of all, as an individual, you have to understand the opposite party and trust her. Once this process is passed, spending time together will then come to the picture. It is useless to spend most of your time together with her when you really don't know anything about her. This will make the bonding of the friendship quite difficult...
Hence, i believe that trust must be formed first so as to continue to build a healthy friendship. Without this foundation, the relation of friendship will dissolute.
Thank you
I wouldn't quite agree on spending more time will aid in the improvement of better friendship or any other relationship. It's the understanding that is required.
For instance, a friend whom you always hang out with throughout your life may not be as important as a friend whom have truely step into you life. However, a friend that one choose to hang out with definitely had some mutual understanding between them. As such, I belived that friendship or any other form of interpersonal relationship builds on the understanding one had of the other party.
In life, we have countless friends. However, how many managed to last? As for those that last, was it because you spend more time with or was it because you understand and accept the person for who he or she was? Thus, the quality of a relationship cannot be soley judged by the amount of time spent together.
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